Now that the midterms are behind us, political ads have been replaced by sexual enhancement pharmaceutical ads. It won’t be long before we’re back in it, though… the Chicago mayoral election is coming up fast.

It seems like every third resident is in the mayoral race. Seriously, the growing list already includes former U.S. Commerce Secretary Bill Daley (of that “Daley” lineage), ex-top Chicago cop Garry McCarthy, Cook County Circuit Court Clerk Dorothy Brown and former CPS CEO Paul Vallas. Here’s the alternative universe Chicago ballot we’d like to see:

Oprah
Maybe she wrote off the idea of running for president in 2020 because she has her sights on smaller, more familiar game: Chicago. You get an Italian Beef! You get an Italian Beef! And you get an Italian Beef!

Steve Bartman
The redemption of Bartman could have no better ending than having him ascend to City Hall.

Bill Kurtis
Can he run the city? Maybe not, but we’d line up to hear him speak at press conferences.

Tim McIlrath
The Rise Against frontman doesn’t shy away from politics and social causes, and he definitely has better pipes than any Chicago mayor ever.

Steve Albini
The celebrated audio engineer is known for not holding back on his opinions, making him a candidate along the lines of the Daleys at their most combative.

Stephanie Izard
Food brings us all together. We’d love to see a Little Goat shoehorned into City Hall.

Coach Q
You can’t argue with his record, and he’s available.

That guy who sells elotes on the corner
Holy crap, they’re delicious.

Bear
Maybe he’s the mayor we deserve.